The Mirror Is Enough with Pritha Lal

For the first time in my 7 years, decides I am worth more than my silence. Still remember she goes well. That's five more times to remember and pray and be grateful. Success when you're young. At least when I was in school and at that time it was relative. The mirror is good enough for me to tell me how I look today. I don't need a compliment. Yes. Hi everybody. Welcome to Portraits of Strength, the podcast where we share real stories of resilience, growth, and the moments that shape who we become.

I'm your host, Harry the Anecdotist. Today's guest is Preeta, an Authenticity Life Coach, a global citizen, and above all, a mom. Born and brought up in various cities in India, Preeta's life journey has taken her across cultures, experiences and moments that challenged her to rediscover who she truly is. Through both personal hardship and deep self reflection, she has developed a passion for helping others reconnect with their authentic selves and move beyond limiting beliefs. Her story is 1 of resilience, growth, and the courage to stop seeking validation from the outside world and start finding strength within Preeta.

I'm really looking forward to this conversation. Welcome to the show. Thank you, Harita. I have to say I'm it's an honor to be here because you are a woman of strength and resilience and I've known you for a bit. So this is quite an honor. And that introduction is very humbling. But I have learned to take praise well. So I say thank you and thank you for having. Me, yeah, for sure. I'm like, I've been looking forward to this conversation for a while. Thank you. You know, I think the first time I saw you was it I am fleshed technologies.

How are the HR manager? There. I was a generalist there. Yes, yes. And then when I used to actually, you know, dance along with my ex at that point of time at the India Diwali, you were the you were the presenter. And I was like, wow, she knows she's amazing on stage. You're like you, you talk so eloquently and articulate so well. And so I've been like always looking to see what you're doing with your life. You know, it has been from afar. So I'm actually happy that we get to talk today and get to know you a little bit more.

Thank you, Thank you. Appreciate that. Let's start off with what were you like a child? Were you always like driven, disciplined, or did that develop over time? I had selective mutism as a child. Now for those if you're not familiar with it, it is basically when and they didn't have a term for it back then. I am 55 so it was a long time ago they didn't have a term. You just you were considered pretty much mute in public places. I would not speak. I would speak at home. I was fine 9 conversing with my immediate family, but step out of the house, you know, it's so difficult to imagine this is the person I am and I'll talk about it in a second.

I never stopped talking after that particular incident, but too bad, so sad, whatever, right? But, but no, that was a, that was a huge problem because in school and we lived in, so my, my father had a, a transferable job. So we moved within India, which I loved. I loved having that exposure. But it also meant going to schools where, you know, you necessarily you were new. And so my primary education or my elementary education started in Mumbai in Thane in particular. And I was in a convent school, a really good school.

And I was fantastic with my written work, you know, But they were if there was an oral recitation, if there was anything where I had to speak, I literally got a 0. And what was interesting is that I was reprimanded for what I didn't know and I couldn't do in various ways. Right. And so that I feel it reinforced that behavior even more because I just got quieter and quieter. And everyone knew. Like in Hindi, they say, oh, Pritha Boltine. Yeah, you know, that's Pritha. She doesn't speak, but OK, it was what it was.

But come second grade, I remember we were in a new class, new session, some new friends, some old friends. I had two very close friends at that time who I would speak with. So they were like my little safe space. Yeah, but a teacher walked in and she was this tall, beautiful, dark haired, dusky woman. I just remember her. She was just a picture of elegance and warmth. And she comes in and she goes, she looks at the class and she's obviously new because we've never seen her before. And this is second grade, so I'm about 7 years old.

And she goes, who's Preetha Lal? And I'm like, OK, here we go again. You know, they're probably going to send me through the office. She's going to ask me a question. I won't be able to answer. So I stood. Her name was Miss Fatima Joy. And wherever you are, Miss Joy, I think of you every single day. I have to say this, but she called me to the front of the class and she said, Prita, I'm going to step into the teacher's lounge for a little bit to get some notebooks. I'm new to the school, so I have much to learn.

Would you be so kind as to take care of the class while I'm gone? So think about it, Harita, here is a person who for the first time in my 7 years decides I am worth more than my silence, right? It makes me emotional talking about it. I can imagine. Yeah. And so I never stopped speaking since. Wow. But I, I felt that trust, that empowerment and that seven-year old girl. I think it shaped who I am today from the perspective of focusing on what is positive in a person. You know what a person can do, and you build on that as opposed to telling them what you cannot, whether it's a child, whether it's a person at work in your, you know, my career in HR.

It's that Pygmalion effect. You know, you, you, you build what you, you design. Yeah, you build what you focus on. And and so that is who I was. But as a child, we also moved a lot, like I said, and that helped me. And that's basically because of my mom. She always said, and she said this in Bangla, that shabar kache kichwak tabhalo ache OTA tumi nebe meaning everybody has something good to offer. Make sure you imbibe that. And so we lived in Kolkata in the very beginning, then in Kanpur, in Delhi, in Mumbai, and then finally for many, many years in Kuwait.

Oh wow, that's that's a huge right. Large number of places, large number of places, large different cultures within India as well. Precisely. And and everyone who knows about India knows how diverse, diverse the country is, language, food, everything. And my mom was such an example because she didn't know a word of Hindi. And we get, you know, they got married and they moved to Kanpur and she managed, you know, she managed to learn. It was and I till date, I see that humility in her to learn something and to say that you know, I don't know and it's OK, I will learn or you know, I will, I will adapt.

So that cultural exposure that I had both within India and then my dad loved travelling. So we travelled a lot. We travelled to Europe, we travelled in different places in India and overtime I realized that we are very different at at an external level, but we're not very different inside, you know. And so overtime, even when I came to the US in 1998, May yeah, it's been been about 26 odd years. I was the only Hindu student in BYU at that time. I went back, I, I waited for some time and then went back to get my second masters there.

And it was a very different culture. But I think that stayed, you know, just just to be able to know that there is something good to glean, something good to learn. I just realized we both have something one more thing in common. Oh, tell me. We both are BYU alumni. Oh my gosh, you're Cougars? Yeah. I have my MBA executive MBA from BYU. From B OK, from the barrier school, yeah. Ice. This is this feels like OK, this is meant to be. Yeah, exactly what you said is so true, right? Like for most of the time, even in the world that you see around us right now, people are focusing too much on the differences, which are, again, at the end of the day, superficial.

If you actually really dig deep down, we're all humans with the same goals, same longing, same feelings and emotions. And I wish more people actually focused on that, right? Because, as you said, what you focus on grows. Yes, yes. And in the end, we are driven by the same things. Yeah, we truly are. OK, that is, that is actually and surprisingly for you to say like when I hear you talk now or even when I was like first time I was impressed by you was when you actually talked on stage. And considering that you were selectively mute when you started off, Oh my God, that's surprising.

I think people who knew me back then or if somebody has connected with my mom over the years, they, they don't believe it. But I, I owe it to him as Joy, you know, just just that instilling that confidence that somebody can do something. Yeah. Yeah. It's a huge life lesson. For me, sure, definitely. So who or what inspired you growing up? You know, how did your family end up bringing shape your values or who you are today? I have to say my mom biggest example, like I said, always focusing on the good in someone, setting very clear boundaries about what you could or couldn't, the importance of behavior given we lived in very different cultures, even within India and outside.

She was very particular about saying that, you know, in at home we speak Bangla and I try to do that with Pari. My husband's very good about disciplining on that. Not, I wouldn't say disciplining, but focusing that. Yeah. At home we speak Bangla. And even if it's if it's, if she rattles on something in English, we repeat the whole thing in Bangla again. So it's a longer conversation. But yeah. But but that was something that was given also every time we travelled, when we lived in Kuwait, when we went back to for the holidays to my grandparents, just those little things about, you know, touching their feet or knowing how to place yourself in an environment, be sensitive to people around you.

So, so those were some of the values. Other than that, the Ramakrishna Vivekananda philosophy is a huge part of who I am. And try to be nowhere close to, you know, what I would want to be, but I try, I will, I will make an honest effort. I have a podcast where I read one of the books of my guru Swami Ranganathananda and it's called Eternal Values for a Changing Society and he wrote this in 1968. And what's interesting is as I read the book, I find it's relevant even today. So which goes to what you were saying, is that, you know, we're all very similar at the end.

We want the same things. We believe in the same things. So yeah, some of that. Also the experiences from the outside that came in. We know as a child when we moved to Kuwait, I remember this. And given everything that's going on and the reason we left Kuwait was the first Gulf War. So I was in college at that time. My brother was in school, my mom was visiting us because summers were very hot. So typically you had the schools were out. He was in 8th grade, I was in first year of college. My dad was in Kuwait.

In 2nd of August 1990, Iraq bombed Kuwait and life became very different. So that was another big, huge churning point of understanding. I was 1918, my brother was 13, realizing that we may never see our dad again, you know, so that that so, but, but before I come to that, just the fact that we lived in a culture that was very different and we would hear the Azan five times. And I knew there were people who would say, oh, you know, you hear the Azan. And my mom, she said something so beautiful and I still remember.

She goes, well, that's five more times to remember and pray and be grateful. You know, that's a wonderful reminder that's coming to you, to your ears. So, so I always, I always felt that if you look at a thing, there is always a mindset to look at it positively. But yeah, that, that chapter was wonderful. I, I loved being there, understanding that culture, understanding that faith, seeing it, being immersed in it from hearing about it is very different. But after that, that whole bombing incident and, and the first war, my dad was stuck there for about this happened in August.

He came home on Shashti, which was about in October, and there was no Facebook, no, no where you could mark yourself safe or communicate. There was no. Way you have to wait for him to be able to give you a call to know how. He's yeah. And there were no calls, nothing. We got a bunch of letters that he tried to send with people who were being evacuated. We got about 13 or 15 letters with were postmarked from Jordan, from London, from Australia, from different places that came. But we never heard from him for for 3 1/2 months and that was a very pivotal time that changed the way I started to view the world and it impacted both my brother and I in different ways.

He was uprooted completely from having a very normal life of a 13 year old to having to find a new school, new friends, new a whole new educational system. Me, I actually decided to drop a year of college during that time because I could not focus. And in hindsight, I'm glad I did because I ranked the next year. But it also taught me the true faces of people. And somewhere along the line, I grew to become a little more, I would say cynical, but more of a realist. You know, my mom, she still tells me that I was so gullible and she's still so gullible.

But but I saw the face and who was kind? Who wasn't you? Know who your true friends are. You know who your true friends are, who know, you know who your well wishers are. And then I also realized that ultimately the only person you can rely on is yourself and you have to become your best friend. So. So, yeah, I don't know if that answered your question, but, but yeah, that was kind of an interesting transition to happen pretty early in life. A lot of families went back, but my dad, after he came back, we he chose to remain in India.

Yeah. And I continued my education in India, in Kolkata at that time. Yeah. So when you were young, and I'm sure over time as well, your definition might have changed, but when you were young, what did success mean to you and how was that? How has that definition evolved? Oh, that's a brilliant question. Brilliant question. I love it because success when you're young, at least when I was in school and at that time, it was relative. It wasn't an absolute concept. You were successful if you stood, you ranked first versus second.

You were successful if you got more points or you. But then if you see when you think about it, it's always a comparison. So success was a function of a comparative value. And so did you, did you do better than someone else? Oh, he got into this school. Did you get into this college? You know, but as I have grown older and through varied experiences and as I look at success now, it's very, very absolute. It is. Are you a better person than you were yesterday? Are you able to do some of the things that you couldn't do yesterday?

You know, to me that is successful. So when I when I talk about success to party with with my daughter, it is never about what somebody else is doing. It's about what you were doing. What are you focusing on? Do you, you know, it's not about who got an A but if you got an A minus, but you own the Deng a minus, good job you right? If you got AB plus and you, you did everything you, you know, you deserve. And I always tell her this and she's a very, very good student. She's very focused, but the concept of failure is hard when children are successful and they have a hard time accepting that.

Yeah, definitely. And in a world and a country and a, and a time of instant gratification, when things come easy, we, we associate that with success because you know, you've got it. And so that's something that I constantly am trying to impress, that when you work for something really hard and then you get it, when you fail a few times, the joy you get out of that, that is much more so. So for me that the the transition has been from success being a relative idea to a very absolute idea. I love that Mike, because I can totally relate.

Right. I know she's a brilliant girl. Yeah, he's a gymnast and everything. Yeah, thank you. So like, you know, like I always keep telling her I don't care what grades you get, it's more about are you putting in the effort to learn? Yes. And are you learning that or not? Yes, because oftentimes, I mean you, I'm sure you have seen it, right, Like grades can be because the teacher hasn't graded it and right around the same time, like it needs to go into the system the right time or not. Sometimes your assignments might be late or delayed.

And the fact is kids nowadays have so many things that they do in so being delayed in assignments happens. It doesn't reflect you, but it doesn't reflect her precisely. So I'm like always telling her you got AB minus, that's totally OK. But have you learned what they're teaching? Yeah, yeah. As long as you can show me and I can see when you're putting in the effort or not putting in the effort, that's all that matters to me. It's very, very true. Yeah, Absolutely. Yeah. I know you told us, told the example or told the experience of you know, you growing up till your second grade, you were you were selectively mute.

But can you dive a little bit deeper? I know it's a long time ago but. What was that experience like, you being selectively mute and how when you went into the public, you were not able to talk? And I'm sure that's not an easy thing to experience. And being a person who has been, you know, overly, I have, I'm the queen of overthinking. That's what I tell us. And I have gone through anxiety, panic and things like that when I was younger. And now I have tools that kind of like, help me get through that.

But can you dive deep into what that felt like before you came out of it, what that experience was like? See, that was so long ago that you know that I've never gone back too much into it because coming out of it was so liberating. But I will tell you it felt, it felt I was an odd one out. I've I felt I was either seen for the wrong reasons or not seen at all. You know, if I was seen it was because, oh, look at that girl, she can't talk. Or if I was not seen then I was just invisible because I couldn't talk.

Yeah, yeah. So, so that was something I remember being disciplined on it in. Giving your best to actually get over. It right and and it was more like they tried the positive reinforcement, the sisters and the convent, they tried the negative reinforcement. It didn't work. I remember the the sadness and the anger at times with my mom. You know, she faced quite a bit she and and that's when that was another time. What interestingly impressed on me as I look back is people were unkind to her or to my dad because of my inability and almost as if a reflection of her inability to raise me right.

And that would obviously brew further as, as you know, attention, like she does everything right. It's like a but vicious circle, vicious circle. And and, and in hindsight, when I look back, I, I think that's, that's what we do. We place blame when we cannot find a solution. We try to place blame somewhere or the other. And it was, it was almost a matter of, oh, she can't talk, you know, is something wrong? I know it's that it's a toxic negative inquiry, if you will. It's pretty. Prevalent in our Indian society.

It's sad to say, but that no. I don't think it's just Indian though. I don't think it's just Indian. Are you sure? Yes. Yes. There are other other parts in this world where this is very prevalent. I can tell you an example of a very different country. There's a young girl who does self harm. OK, and the mother decides that they should get some sunscreen before they go to the beach because that's how we cover the scars on the thigh. So no, I will strongly refute that. OK, with due respect. No, it is.

That is where I tell you Harita, even as we are different, we are so similar in our basal tendencies of the only thing I will tell you, in Indian cultures and South Asian cultures, it is more pronounced and it's almost a given. Yeah, I mean the reason that they will talk about, yeah, the reason I'm saying it's more prevalent in the Indian society is to your fact, right. Like if something if the kid is not doing well, it's not even the dad. In the mom, it's the mom. It's always the mom. It's. Always the mom.

It's like, what did you do wrong? Why aren't you bringing up your child properly? 100%. And it's like nobody sees the amount of work the mom actually puts in. Yes, and the fact that going back to our generations when we were kids, the dads were there just to provide but not really in the emotional upgrading or mental or education the hands on. It's not. So even though the mom literally spends 100% of the time with the kid and it doesn't matter that each kid could be different in how they learn and things like that.

All that work is not seen and immediately the mom is like immediately blamed. Yes. Whether the kid doesn't eat, whether the kid doesn't do well in studies, whether the kid no matter what. Very true. So. It's you can't win. Exactly. And I honestly, even though I'm lucky that I had my kid here, I'm bringing up here, which is like a huge relief to me, I should say. Like even those few times that I went back to India to visit and then they see Purvi is like, she's lean and she's thin and there immediately is like, doesn't your mom feed you?

Yeah, yeah. You know, yeah, yeah. It's almost a, it's almost a natural conversation to say that. Yeah. And so that is why I was kind of like saying I've seen that a lot in the Indian society, right? Right, but but no, it I agree with what you're saying completely. There is a inherent bias and I will tell you, not just me, when when I just started to grow older, my my brother and I, we had a five year difference and he is my bestest friend forever. He used to fall sick just because he had a tendency to catch colds.

Same thing. And then the worst part was comparisons. Oh, she did this. Did he not get this? She did, you know, she swam and did. So this inherent comparisons between children, that is that just demotivates. And it's so hard on a mom because a mom, you know, whether we have one child or 10 children, you love them equally. Your heart just expands. So, yeah, that that is that is a hard, hard reality of our society. Very true. Yeah. No, that is, that is awesome. Sorry. OK, so as we were talking, you were born in Kolkata, right?

And but you, you grew up in Kanpur, Delhi, Bombay and again Kuwait and then you came here. How did those experiences shape the way you see the world? That's a lovely question, thank you. Which is why on my website I see a global citizen. I think what it has allowed me to do is to be very accepting of people. I will say this without any false sense of humility or self deprecation or disclaimers because I truly am. Over time, I have also learned to be less judgmental because I have been judged a lot.

I can so relate to that because honestly, that is the first thing. It's like, yeah, I'm sorry to not to cut you off. It's just touched my heart because that's literally me. Yeah. I'm like, I've been so judged all my life. I'm like, OK, where is that person coming from? Is my first question. Yeah. Sorry, continue. No, you're, you're right, because it from the beginning where I didn't speak to a point where I was fantastic academically and I decided I will pursue commerce and accounting and economics as my, you know, my high school courses instead of the science and my, my I have to say my parents were amazing.

They did not. They said you do you. But again, people were like, oh, Preetan is science, Nalia, she's not doing science, she's not doing STEM. But I thought she did so good in school. So it was like there was this natural perception. So that was another interesting place of judgment. Then I decided I would marry a little bit later because I was working and I wanted to. So I got married at 26 ish, closer to 27 again. That's not later. Well, according to the traditional Indian way, you're married by 21/22/23.

OK, at least when I I'm way older than you are. I know you are. I got married when I was 25, so yeah. So no, I was, Yeah. So yeah, that's a that's a healthy age, a very healthy age. But again, she's still not married. I know. Again, my my folks did not. They didn't push me on it. They asked me, but they were like, OK, whatever. But the biggest push at the biggest judgment was when, for 15 years of my marriage, I decided to remain childless by choice. I should say that was actually a pretty bold choice for your time, right?

Well, it was, it was what my husband and I decided, you know what, I'm going to pursue my career. And we didn't even think of kids. That's that is amazing. Actually, that was a choice and that is where not just me, my my parents faced a lot because of that, which is very unfortunate. But I know people here in this city and this state, in this country who have, who have their opinions. And in fact, an individual, when I, I sent an e-mail that Pari was born, the first thing they said also, which fertility clinic did you go to?

And I said, well, we did it the old fashioned way. First of all, it's none of their business. It's. OK, it's all right. But that is the thing that I learned. Harita is over time. That was the biggest change is I've stopped reacting to this crap. You get to a point in life where all of these experiences make you realize everybody, like you said, is coming from their own space and their own space is very different from your space. Their limiting beliefs, their mindset, the way what has whatever has shaped them causes them to be that way.

So if I did not like being judged that I don't want to carry that muddy water and judge someone else, right. So that has been that has been my learning. So when after 15 years of marriage, when we decided, yeah, you know, and I'll talk about my accidents later, but we did have Bari and and decided to stay home. That was another question. What do you do at home? I'm like nothing. I don't do anything at home. I just sit and watch TV all day. The diaper changes itself. The laundry gets done. I love the sarcasm.

I'm like, yeah, shoot. I don't do anything or someone keeps was telling me. I mean, when people tell me she looks just like your husband, I'm like, now you know, he's the father. You know what, at some point you have to take it. I'm like, shut up. I know you need to because so after turning 50, these are my wings. I tell my friends, you know when you turn because a lot of my friends are way younger than I am and which is so lovely because it keeps me young, but I've told them until I turned when I turned 40.

Honestly, with all of that I went through with my therapy, I'll tell you in a bit. I learned not to give too much of A Ding about anything, OK? Don't give too much of a crap after 50 though, and I'm 55. You learned not to give a crap about not giving a crap. OK, which is looking for because which is a. Whole new level of empowerment as technically as I can say that. No, because honestly I keep telling as you said, right, like I'm 40 plus right and I have friends who are still on the verge of getting to 4.

Sure, sure. And I'm like it's like once you turn 40, it's like a switch, swear. It literally is like a switch and you're like you don't want drama, you don't want anything. You just want piece of of mind and do what you want to do. Whatever you want to do without, I don't. Give FS about what anybody else thinks. Precisely. Precisely. And then you'll get to a point where you won't give FS about giving FS. OK. It's all an A+ them. So no, it's, it's, it's very liberating. OK. Yeah, yeah. So many people go through life, you know, trying to fit expectations.

Especially as Indian women, we are like literally put into a box. You have to you, you. You have to go through life with a checklist. You have. To like, you know, like that's typical. When did you realize you were becoming a people pleaser or seeking validation? And how did you start countering that? I think I became a people pleaser right from the time I started college after because it was more of trying to fit into situations or fit into groups, fit into a community and having being with the cliques.

And at that point in time, I didn't realize that I was pretty unique as a person and that uniqueness didn't need to be some. It wasn't something that I felt confident about showing or sharing. So yeah, I was, I was happy to be a part of the bandwagon, although I was doing my own thing. I decided to, you know, drop a year of college after the war so that I could focus on my grades. And I did great. I decided to pursue masters in economics, but then left that and decided to do my HR and XL RI and all of that.

So my focus as far as the work or the academics or my career goes, I knew where I was headed. But socially, I felt I needed to fit in to belong. So the affirmations from the outside meant a lot. If my friends, whether it was in college or later here, when I invited some people over, if they said, oh, Pritha, you're, you know, you did an amazing dish. I felt good or I would wear a particular apparel, then I'd seek an approval maybe from my mom or from somebody else. But and those became my yardsticks and my yardsticks were all outside of myself.

And I didn't even realize I was doing this till I had my car accidents, which was close to 17 maybe. Yeah. 17 years ago, I was working. Everything was fine. I had, you know, I had a good social life here. I knew people in the community, whatever. But I had three consecutive car accidents in the span of a month. Wow. I know. Oh, my God. When it rains, it pours. But, but I will, in hindsight, I think apart from being sensitive about my spine and being careful with the way I, you know, move sometimes, it's the best thing that could have happened.

I say this in all sincerity because and the first, the first accident was a car I think that went the wrong way on a snowy road and kind of hit me. And that was a big one head on from the side. And then, but the the point was each time it would happen, I would get on a rental and drive to work the next day. So the second, within a week or two, I got hit by a deer again, got in a rental, drove third time, got rear-ended on a stoplight. So the mistake that if you look when I look back in hindsight is I was not allowing fear to actually to acknowledge the fear.

So you were suppressing it? Completely. And I got into a place where when you realize your own life is not in your control, you want to control everything else. And so my the. Classic Type A personality. Because you know, you want to do something where you feel, OK, I'm worth something. And so at work everything was fine. But over time I got into a place where the people pleasing bit that you asked about got to a point where it became a trigger. So if somebody did not say something nice, I was. Panicking anxiety.

More than anxiety, I was depressed. I was very upset. So I became very reclusive. The person you see me, I would come home, take a book to read, have my dinner, go to bed and just sleep. Next day, drive to work. My friends noticed a little bit of difference. My brother and another friend who I was speaking to on the phone, they noticed a huge difference. And they said, Rita, we see you don't you don't sound like yourself. You're triggered by very small things. You're getting into this victim mode.

You probably should see someone. And I have to tell you, Harita, I was, I was under physical therapy for my spine because it had locked up. I had terrible SI injuries and stuff like that. And that when I look back in hindsight and I say I'm grateful from a physical aspect, I am so grateful that I learned to look, listen to my body, you know, and take care of it. So that's non negotiable. But from the mental and the emotional aspect, once I started the therapy, I was under AI, was diagnosed with what they called trauma or PTSD induced to depression.

And it's not something huge, but it is enough to feel like you're so empty inside. So I was under citalopram or Celexa for a year, and I was under a very good therapist. And during that time, I realized how much affirmations from the outside external yardsticks, the validations, the people pleasing had become so much a part of who I was that every little trigger was a reason to be upset. My serotonin as it is, was all squampers. So my lessons from that time were twofold. 1 was the just the, I should tell my husband, I said, you know, if you a mental, any kind of a mental illness, even if it's not an illness, but a lack of Wellness, it feels like the scar that you have that you can show, but it hurts so much, but you don't know how to stop the pain.

And so that taught me to be so much more empathic about anybody and everybody going through anything remotely emotional or you know, because you can't comprehend it. You can see a broken arm, you cannot see a broken mind, You can't see a broken heart. So, so that was a huge turning point in terms of appreciating it just for knowledge sake and for empathy sake. The other part was to learn those tools that you talked about and one of the visuals that my therapist drew for me on his whiteboard, he's and you know, after several sessions he would have me journal a lot and talk about feelings, etcetera.

He drew me as a little stick figure in the centre and then around it he put various, you know, circles. Each circle represented family, parents, community, job, faith, whatever. And he had these little spokes that were connecting me to these things. And he said, Preeta, you have given permission for all of these things to control you. It's time to either cut those strings or learn to take the control back. And some of the strings were harder to cut than others, I'm sure, because they're hard conversations to say.

And that taught me to to boundaries better, taught me to understand that I will not always get the validation and that's OK. You have to learn to seek that joy within and it doesn't happen overnight it. Doesn't I can? Relate to that? I can, yeah, but it doesn't. But it's a good feeling to get started on the process. And also, I think when you get started on the process, the end might that you might not see the light at the end of the tunnel. Yeah, it's only as you have to trust the process and keep doing it.

And at one point suddenly you'll be in the light. Yes, that's what I can tell. Yes, very, very true. I have my little podcast, right, 5 minutes of authenticity, one of the future episodes, and it's a very short thing that I do from home, but one of the things that I was recording yesterday and it was a difference between self trust and confidence. OK, so confidence is a reflection of your ability. You can do something and confidence comes after courage. So you have courage that first allows you to decide you're going to jump off the diving board into the pool.

Once you've jumped off, you have the confidence to do it again. OK. But self trust is something way deeper. Knowing that hey, even if I didn't do a perfect dive, I'm going to own the process and I'm going to be the master of my thing. So it's an interesting reflective process that happens. And so like you said, when you don't see the light, but you still start to develop a little bit of courage, a little bit of confidence, a little bit of self trust. And then you move along that path. And then one day you realize, you know what, the mirror is good enough for me to tell me how I look today.

I don't need a compliment. Yes. Yes, right. Totally. So yeah, totally. Yeah. Yeah, no, I truly believe that, especially I, again, as I said, I'm, I also think I'm, I'm a recovering people pleaser, OK. So you like people, but you just don't want to please them anymore? I'm kidding. I'm like, no, it's, it's, it's a beautiful, beautiful definition. Yeah, because at the end of the day, to your point, right, like all my life I've been trying to like whatever, like from childhood, what I went through or even other stuff that triggers in my life the traumas, whatever you might want to call them.

A major trauma in your life will actually make you see that you are a people pleaser till then that I truly believe that because till then relate to. That. Everything that you've done has been normalized. It's pretty normal. So it's really difficult for a person to see that they are people pleasers, yeah. Because that's what they know. Exactly because they don't know anything better, anything better. And that is when I kind of like started to look back to your point again with therapy, with self reflection.

It's like, why am I doing this? Yes, why am I trying to get validation from the outside? Right. How is it helping? Exactly. And your statement today is just now that you said like what you see in the mirror is good enough because I have had for a long time, I look into the mirror and I'm like all I saw was imperfections. Oh, same, same. Oh my gosh. For today I woke up, I got ready and I'm like, oh, that long hair looks good on me. I'm looking so good. Yes, you know, it's like from inside. Yes, it's not it's it's so.

Spontaneous. Exactly. It's like, it's like I wasn't pushing it. I wasn't forcing myself. I just saw myself. I'm like, I look good today. Exactly, exactly. And that's a different kind of joy. Definitely, for sure. You know, you don't even need the makeup for it. You don't need to. You just walk out and you're like, I got this. Yes, yes, yes, that's true. And it's a beautiful feeling and it's reinforcing. And so that's why when you say you're a recovering people pleaser, I feel once you're already there, you get better and better at it.

And then you realize it's so fulfilling to just be you. Yeah, that you don't need that. It's exhausting. It is very. Exhausting people placing and it's like. It's very draining. It's very and it's like you cannot make everybody happy ever. No. It's it's a never ending job and why would? You put yourself through that, you know, I I tell people that you can be the centre of your own universe and you should be you. Should be, yeah. But you're not the centre of the universe. No, yeah. Because you're not responsible for everyone's happiness.

Not everyone is going to, you know, lodge you for everything. You're not the most important person in the world. You are the most important person for yourself. So keep that boundary. What it teaches us, I think it teaches us to be humble for sure, but it also empowers you knowing that, hey, I am not responsible for every wrong or good thing that's happening. You have to at some point. Yeah, no, that's the biggest thing that I'm trying to teach Purvi right now because like she's like, oh, I don't want to tell this to my friends.

They'll be because they'll be, you know, feel hurt. And I'm like Purvi, if you start thinking of others feelings, you're not giving importance to your own feelings and you are not responsible for the other person's feelings. Exactly. It's a very thin line between being empathic, understanding, being kind, but at the same time drawing the boundary. Yes, you know that that whole thing even now my mom says, is this selfish? Is this self love? We are learning. Oh for sure as we go. But but yeah, you, there is no need to be, you know, equate that with selfishness.

It's not If she's thinking of herself, the fact that she's thinking of her friend, that is sweet enough. But that friend is responsible for their how they regulate it. Yeah. Completely. Yeah. So no, that's an amazing thing to talk about. And yes, these are conversations that I try to have with her, you know, on a regular basis. Yes, because growing up, I'm sure you relate to like in India, these kinds of conversations were never didn't happen. They didn't happen. If you even tried to bring it up, they were like, you're thinking way too much or you know what they call it as toxic positivity.

Like my mom still does it today is like if I tell her that hey this is what I'm feeling, she's like don't worry everything will be fine. Because that's what they have learned. Yeah, I'm like, unless you process what you're feeling and process your emotions completely, how the hell am I going to be fine? Yeah, you know, and and to your mom's statement, that is what they grew up with. Exactly. And so it is that thing and I'm very happy we are in a place where we can talk about it. And my mom always tells us to me, said I, I'm amazed at the stuff that you guys talk about because I'll share, you know, and Pari, we'll talk about stuff and, and she goes, we never did exactly.

We never did with you. I never did with myself, with her or mom. It was just an expectation that things will just you brush it under the carpet and no one talks about it. I have workshop in my workshop or in my one-on-one basis. I have clients who are both Indian and non Indian, you know, a lot of American clients and it's interesting. Excuse me with the generation, that is how it used to be here too. Wow. OK. So OK, so that's interesting because I always thought it was purely Nope, South Asian families.

No, no, not at all. I have a friend and a client who has a very hard time saying no because it makes them look selfish. They are tired. They had the first workshop that I did at the Clyde Rec Center with my authenticity thing. I had about four participants who were 50 or close to 60. And so they had grandkids and stuff. And one of the things they had, she said, Preeta, I really want to come to the class and I have to tell my daughter that I cannot babysit today. And I said, that's fine, right? She goes, Niha, But you know, that's just that's going to make me look selfish.

We have, so I am. I am so blessed to have this perspective where women, irrespective of your race or the culture, generationally think alike. But it is women. It's predominantly women. I don't know about men too much in that respect, but yeah, women do. We take it upon ourselves. Martyrdom is looked upon as a glorious thing, whether you're in Utah or. Glorified tomb way too much. Way too much, way too much. And so as people try to come out of it, it's, it's, it's with guilt, there's a certain amount of guilt.

There is a, you know, and in Bengali we say loke Ki bolbe. What do people say that? I've heard that from my mom. What will people say? I'm like, because people are ultimately the master and commander of the universe, right? So what will they say and how will we be doomed? Because. Yeah. But no, I, I am. That's why I, I enjoy what I do is because I get that perspective. That is, Yeah, That's that's fun. That's. Yeah. It makes me feel that, oh, we're not the only miserable people in this world. Misery loves company.

Misery loves company, and we've got more misery across the globe than we think. OK, during the time that you, you know, shared about you experiencing PTSD and depression, yes. What helped you begin finding your way out of the dark place? Therapy. Therapy and the tools. And the tools it was, yeah. Did you even know you were depressed? Actually, no. Because my behaviours changed, you know, I was very, very, how do I say very easily triggered because that was the serotonin receptors going already on my head, in my head.

But as we, as the therapy progressed, as we talked about it and he diagnosed it as such, that's when I found out. Yeah, because I'm, I'm doing this research. So I'm I'm like actually working on writing a book and I'm have been doing this research because there's a something called as high functioning depression very well seen in people who are what I call as high achieving people or type a personalities. Or driven. Or driven and nobody actually realizes in these people do not realize that certain things are symptoms of that depression and when you don't realize that you are depressed, it can cause to burn out.

I was going to say. And. Further and further. And so that's what that was, that was the reason why I was asking was like, did you know you were depressed? I did not because there was no way for me to find out. All I can say is that if I hadn't gone to my doctor at that time and sought the counseling, sought the medication and which I was, you know, given in small doses, etcetera, you know, whatever, I would have experienced burnout. There is a coach friend of mine in Sweden, Sanaa. She is a very high achieving woman.

She has two kids now, but she face burnout twice. High face burnout. Because we use work. So one thing I learned, Harita, is that all of us want to feel a sense of purpose. Yeah, OK. Definitely. Obviously, as human beings, that's what drives us. Now when we are younger, we find those little wins, whether it's sports, whether it's academics, when we get into work situations, it's the work accolades, when we get into family, how are our children doing? You know, all of that. So there are these anchor points of self worth which are again outside of ourselves.

So what happens is some of them become our crutches and. We don't realize. That we don't realize it. And my fear, my lack of acknowledgement of fear after the accidents was my crutch because I felt that was my sense of purpose. That hey, I'm not afraid. I can get on a car and go to work, but without giving due credence. And that so people have multiple reasons. Oh yeah, definitely. Like I went on to the I went on till I was so burnt out that I just said I took a six week FMLA break from my. Work in Utah.

In Utah from work. Yeah, purely from, with a letter from my therapist. I started off with like 4 weeks and I extended it to six because I needed that break from everything. And I was so happy. Like looking back, I'm glad I took that. I did. Took that break, yeah. And even then, like my mom, when I told my mom and luckily my parents actually came so that they could actually help out with everything and my mom was like. How old was Purvi then?

Ten, OK, 10, old enough to it's literally like 3 or 4 years ago. It wasn't not too far long ago, sorry, three or four years ago and she was asking me, what are you going to do? I said absolutely nothing and you won't believe me in that burnout. Like when I took that break, I spent almost 3, four weeks just sleeping. Because your body needed it. Your mind needed it. Your mind. Needed it. So that's why like that's what actually pushed me to start researching and write this book because these are, I mean, not to, I'm still working on it, but the idea is to write a book where I can give actionable tools that people can use to help themselves get out of kind of like depression or anxiety or whatever.

Just just the simple tools, simple tools that you. Can that I have actually? That use works for you, work for me and used so and. That's what That's why I started researching, because I don't want to just write something like. No, obviously you want the credibility behind it and the work behind it, obviously. That's why, like, it is important and mental health is so important. I know we've we've never talked about it, no. And I'm so glad we do now. Yeah. I mean, even now it's not talked as much as it needs to be.

Yeah, but. But there is a strike. There is a strike Yesterday I was following. I just, you know how Reels show up on Instagram, a group of Bengali women and they're all retired. I guess they've worked at some point or they did something and they, they were just talking about what do you do now? They're probably in their late 60s maybe. And they said nothing. We, I get up when I want to. I don't know how long I'll be around, but, and I thought, you know, even 20 years later, I earlier, I don't think people were talking about this.

So yeah, they're, they're tiny bits. But I'm I'm still happy that I'm so happy it's happening. For sure, definitely. Yeah, Yeah, Actually, let's go back to one of the things that you just said. You've you've said entering your 40s was like turning point when you stopped seeking validation. Like we stopped giving an F, Yes. Yes, I gave everybody an A or they were not in my class.

What shifted your mindset during that time? One that I was when during that process of therapy of for one year that that made a lot of difference, right. Just just the tools, being able to see the differences in me. Then slowly I weaned myself out of the meds and then we had party. You know, I felt I felt this was a good time to change things in life And I also decided that I'm going to be a stay at home mom. So after 15 years of career of travelling, etcetera, I, that's all I wanted to do. And as with her, I have, I'm growing with her.

You know, we, you know, you know this, we're both 14 or 15 now, 13 or 14 now, right. In terms of, because they are so wise. And what switched for me, I think being an older parent, one of the things that my husband and I were on board with is that it's never going to be about comparisons. Who walked before who or did your child crawl? Did do they? She didn't have solids till she was 22 months old. She lived on love, milk and air. She did not walk till she was 22 because she decided to walk at 10.

And she took three steps and I screamed so loud. She sat down and she decided she won't walk. Literally. She asked me. She's sad and she's like, oh, I'm not doing this again. And she she had PTSD from your screen because I was like. Oh, and then she just sat down and she just crawled backwards. But I and people would tell me she still doesn't walk. I'm like, I know, right? I can hold her for that much longer because so so I think watching her grow, realizing that you can parent in the way you want a parent without apologies or disclaimers.

You know, typically you have parents from India come and take care. My my mom and dad, we we told them for the first year till her under depression. No and I know that hurt my parents a little bit maybe because they wanted to spend that time. But later when they came and later, now that mom comes, she says, I can see how you didn't want us to take care of all of the integrities. Instead, I just come out and play with the baby. You know? So those were certain things that my husband and I were very clear about.

And with time after turning 40, it was just so liberating to not worry about these things, You know, like Preeta, does your child go to a private school? Nope. She goes to Nebo. That is not the best rated district in the state. I'm like, I know it doesn't matter. She's more than the school district, you know. And so so those little things. And then now I don't even explain myself. At that time I did because I felt I needed to. That's what I said after with time, then you're like, you know what your path is your own, your struggles are your own.

And I believe it's very ironic when we give permission for others to decide for us when the effect of those decisions is going to affect only us. There's a huge dichotomy, right when we look at external yardsticks comparisons. So yeah, it's just it's just organic. I think the process of not seeking it so much and being comfortable in your own skin. I would not wear sleeveless for the longest time. Oh. Really. And now I don't wear anything but. I don't. I don't think I've ever remember you wearing anything.

No, No, no. No pictures. Yes. I. Was like, I'm like now I'm like, I don't care. Yeah, yeah. At what point did you realize you wanted to help others and become an authentic life coach? Because that was an interesting transition. Transition, which honestly, if I look back, I wasn't surprised. Again, you know, you have these impressions of people, you know about them, and so I wasn't honestly surprised. But when did that come about? And I am so, so humbled you said that because the moment I shared that with friends or like, if not you who, you know, I was so touched when they said that Preeta, you've been a life coach for me forever.

You know, those were the some of the comments. No, it happened, Haritha, when Pari started middle school. And I actually, and I don't think I even mentioned this to you ever, but I passed out in the bathroom one day. Oh, just out of the blue. Oh my God. Just like that. And, and we went through all the tests and everything and everything was fine. Sugar, pressure, whatever. And I remember just before passing out, looking at the mirror and thinking, is this it? Is this where it stops? Because Neil was working downstairs and he had probably fallen asleep.

Pari was asleep. My mom was visiting at that time. She was asleep. This was pretty late. I'd gone to the bathroom and I just I remember sweating and I'm thinking my left side isn't numb feeling. That you were getting dizzy. Yes. And and I looked at myself, is this it? This is where it stops. This is all I've got to give to this world. That's it. And and then the next thing I remember, I came around, I we have a walk in shower, you know, with rails. So I kind of fell over. So I cut my pie really badly and I didn't make any sound.

And it's it's I don't know how I did not hurt my head because it's all concrete, it's tiles and but I fell, I hurt I don't know what brace my fall. I feel somebody was watching over me because there is no way in heck I could have gotten hurt here and not have any injuries on my head or face. Anyway, we went to the doctor the next day, they checked me out. Things looked fine. But but that face in the mirror that I saw, I remember it so vividly because I was sweating. I didn't have my glasses. It was a little blurry and I said no, no, no, this, this cannot be it.

This is time. This is time for me to because party is going to middle school. I don't want to be that hovering parent. I'm very involved, I'm very hands on. But you know, as you know how it is with as they grow older, you have to step back. And I was scrolling through and then the J Shetty thing came about just like that. And so I enrolled and the was I had the first conversation. The values on which they based the coaching program aligned very closely with the person I am or I aspire to be. And so that's what I did about spent about about a year, a little more than a year going through the courses, going through whatever, taking whatever quizzes, tests, etcetera, got certified and then launched my business about 2 1/2 years ago.

That's. Awesome. Thank you. Yeah, no, as I say, right purpose comes from different places. Different places, yeah. Sometimes it's bonk on your head, sometimes it cut in your thigh. Who knows, right? Yeah. In your work today, what are the most common limiting beliefs you see people struggling with? It's, it's a fantastic question. I was hoping you'd ask me first. I will tell you my, my coaching business is called be the Sequoia and Pari helped me find the name. We'd gone to the Sequoia National Forest and at that time it didn't register.

You know, none of this came to mind. But as I started to dig deeper and think about what I was wanting to do with the coaching and, and why I wanted to focus on authenticity. Because with Jay Shetty, what you do is you go through the course and then at some point you have to decide what your specialty is going to be, right? So I thought of confidence, I thought of motivation, I thought of relationships, But then I kept coming back to authenticity because unless you've got that squared out, everything else kind of falls.

And you know, so you could meet a very, very confident person, but after you talk to them for a little bit, you realize how hollow they might sound inside, right, Right. So Sequoia trees have a very, very strong core that allows them to grow as tall. But what what protects them is their bark. So you know how when the rain, when the forest fires happen, et cetera, the bark gets eroded? But the core, the. Core stays and the bark continues to protect it and that's how the trees grow. So when I think about my clients and their limiting beliefs is a lot of what happens to their bark, their bark is eroded and corroded by first of all, having to please everyone.

OK, which is lovely, but not. Not, not true, yeah. The desire for validation. The desire, the inability to say no. That's a huge one, Haritha. You wouldn't be surprised how many people of how many cultures have a hard time saying no, and not just because they are afraid to appear selfish. They're afraid what it'll do to their self-image if they said no and they couldn't fit in. So that's that's another big one. So those, those come in and a lot of the things they carry from before, whether it is abuse, whether it's trauma, whether it is I was doing, I'm doing a workshop currently.

We're going to finish up next week. One of the individuals is a brilliant writer, one of the participants, but her limiting belief at some point gets to a point place of self doubt. And why is the doubt happening because of something that happened 20 years ago where they were badly betrayed by somebody. So, so oftentimes those experiences that we carry stand in the way between US and our authentic self. So when we, when I do a barrier and enabler exercise, 90% of the time all the barriers are within them.

And, and I do my first module or even my first conversation when it's about self love and I ask a simple question. Tell me 5 things you love about yourself. Nothing. And then I tell them, OK, tell me 5 things your friend says about you. They have 10 things to say. So, so it's an obvious mindset is that we don't speak to us as kindly as we do to our friends. And so those become those little shifts that we talk about. And that's been a pattern that's. That is very relatable, yes. At the same time, it's very real.

Yeah, it's very real. Yeah, for someone. Listening right now Who? Feels stuck comparing themselves to others or seeking approval. What would you want them to hear today? So. I'll go back to what I was saying. Imagine you are going to run a marathon. OK, suppose that's your goal. You know you've never done it before, but you really want to. You have a couple of options. You can think about everybody who has done it and feel very stupid and realize you can't do this because you know they are the, they are the masters and commanders, right?

They are the ones who decide. Or you can choose for yourself and decide, you know what, I'm going to join a club. I'm going to research this, find out what my body type is. Can I even do this? So when we are stuck, if we decide to place the ball in other People's Court, the comparisons in other people's hands, then we will never get to where we need to get to. So if you are stuck and you realize you're stuck, that obviously means you want to move. That part is guaranteed. You have accepted that in your head that you want to move now.

Then you look at what what is holding you back. And nine times out of 10, it's ourselves because of 100 other reasons, but it is still ourselves. So once you have that honest conversation and decide if I remain unstuck, how is it going to help me? If I remain stuck, how is it going to help me? And vice versa, If I do those things, how is it going to help the person I'm comparing myself with? You know, what are they going to gain or lose by my outcome? Nothing, nothing, nothing. It's it's. I think.

The biggest? Thing that I have seen is people tend to get stuck in the in the victim mode without realizing yes, for a very, very long time yeah. It's that realization that actually helps them get unstuck. Yes, yes. And that. Realization is very empowering. I was in my victim mode during that depression phase. That's what my therapist said. Yeah. So, Pritha, you are taking everything is all. Woe unto me, you know, and no, it's not woe unto you. You can take the reins and move on. And the point is, Oh well, when we decide to do that, am I measuring to these standards again?

Who sets these standards, sets these standards, right? Don't stand you. You're going to live this life, you know, in your, in your space, you are going to be the person who bears the consequences of your actions. And so putting the standards outside, it's so selfish when, when you think about, you know, we say we're being, you know, when we say no, we're being selfish. Actually, you're being very selfish when you say when you say yes to something because you're. Hurting yourself in the. Process, yeah.

All right, I know we're coming to the end, so let's change a little track. We're going to rapid fire questions. Oh my, Oh my goodness, I didn't know this was coming. All right, I want to keep it as a surprise. I love it. Let's do this. What's your favorite book? The Alchemist. Yes, I love that book, I've read it so many times. What's your favorite song? There is a song in Bangla that I've been. Listening to lately, it's called Amader Golpugulo. It's called Behaya. Yeah. It's a, it's a beautiful story.

It's a song about a girl saying that we decided we'll write these stories and they turned out the way they did it. It's just a, just a cute song by IMA Chakrapurthi. Yeah. What's your favorite quotation? Oh.

Winnie the Pooh. And I wrote send this to a. Friend today that you cannot stay in your part of the forest forever, so at some point you have to come out. Oh, nice. And I know I we're probably expecting something. No, I. Actually love Winnie the Pooh, so I am that's. That's one I love quotes by Rumi as. Well, and and Paulo Coelho, but Winnie the Pooh comes to mind. OK, yeah. Favorite movie?

Oh. That's a good one.

Oh man, I'm just drawing a complete blank, right? Now that's OK. Yeah, yeah. What's your greatest? Fear. That I'll fail. And not be a good mom, maybe. OK, that's the first thing that comes to mind. Just she is my my daughter is I won't say my yardstick, but she's the reason for all things good. I believe that I can relate. So I I feel that if I failed her, that would be that would not be good. Although I've told her, hey, I'm not perfect, but you know, there is levels of imperfection as well. Yeah, for sure.

What's the most courageous thing you've ever done so far? Agreed to go to therapy. OK. What's your philosophy? Of life, look for the good. Always. OK. And finally, this might not be a rapid fire. But more like, since the show is called Portraits of Strength, Yes. What do you think? Or what do you define strength as? Because strength, in my opinion, is a huge range. Yeah, and what strength? Is to me could be. Something different to you? So what is your definition of strength? I think it's. It's something I'll go back to my mom.

She's my idol in life. I think she taught me to pray when I was very little and when she was teaching me mantras and things. One of the things she said is that I've never seen her ask for something. She's always asked for strength, that in the face. Even when my dad was stuck, she never asked that. Bring him, Yeah, she said. Give me the courage to to be, you know, to to live through this time. So yeah, to me, strength is something that if you learn to find within yourself by learning to accept your imperfections, learning to forgive yourself and know that you can start now and there is a tomorrow.

Nice. Yeah, you can start. You can keep starting every. Day, Yeah. That is amazing. Preeta and honestly, I wish we had another hour to continue our conversation. I wish we don't need to stop, but you know, but this is thank you so much for, you know, agreeing to come and, you know, have this conversation with me. I had so much fun talking to you today. Thank you. I You're such a portrait of strength yourself. Thank you. And so I am looking forward to seeing. More of. This from you and your book.

Thank you. Thank you, Erita, for having me. Yeah. So, Preeta's story. Reminds us that authenticity isn't something we find once, it's something we discover again and again at every fork in the road. When we stop seeking validation from the outside world, start trusting ourselves, life opens up in ways we never imagined. Thank you Preeta for. Sharing your. Strength and wisdom with us today and thank you for watching and listening to Portraits of Strength. If this conversation resonated with you, follow along on Instagram and subscribe to the channel on YouTube so you don't miss future stories of resilience and transformation.

We'll catch you on the next episode. A quick shout out to today's sponsor, Sri Krishna Jewellers. With over 50 years of craftsmanship, they are now serving the Dallas community from Frisco, TX. If you have someone special worth celebrating, check out their collection at srikrishna.com or call them at 430-231-1111.

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